last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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