i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
