During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
