Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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