guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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