just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
