Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
