just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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