I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
