Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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