Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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