I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
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