there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Of course I have a pirate flag
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
