not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
