I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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