I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
