my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize