either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
