i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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