it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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