You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
