what day is it and did you see me today?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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