My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
