I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
