its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
