I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
