My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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