She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
