I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
