Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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