umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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