At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
