my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
