he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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