i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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