The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
