Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
