i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
