when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
