Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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