I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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