I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
