I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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