Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
