I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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