my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
