Who did Billy Mays play for?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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