Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
