Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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