my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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