here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
