Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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