I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
