im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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