If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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